6 modules — Hold Me Tight

Understand Love and Attachment

Hold Me Tight® is based on the science of Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory holds that for human beings to function optimally, we must have safe, reliable relationships with significant others. Further, for most of us, the most significant other is our partner or spouse. This sense of safety and security is an emotional need just like oxygen is a physical need. Without this sense of emotional security, we do not do well emotionally or physically and our predictable reactive patterns emerge, causing negative cycles of protest and withdraw, which further deteriorate the connection. We will talk much more about negative cycles later in the day but in this module, we review the extensive scientific research validating Attachment Theory, which is fundamental to understanding EFT and on which Hold Me Tight® is based.

Identify your Negative Cycle

One of the most profound contributions of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, and by extension, Hold Me Tight®, is identifying and understanding the repetitive negative cycles couples get stuck in. When couples can identify their negative cycle and interrupt it before it escalates further, they begin to see that they are not the problem. It is the cycle they're stuck in that is the problem. Further, working with the negative cycle includes understanding what is going on inside each of the partners that contribute to the continuation and escalation of the cycle. As odd as this may sound, there is a very understandable human reason both people in the relationship begin to behave the way they do when the cycle has taken over. They are both suffering threatening feelings around the most important thing of all: the sense of safety and security human beings need in their primary relationship.

Finding Your Raw Spot

The "raw spot" is Dr. Johnson's phrase for those tender, often repeated experiences that can accelerate our reactivity leading couples into negative cycles. Raw spots can come from experiences in family of origin, culture, previous relationships, abuse and betrayals, as well as from years of negative cycles that have eroded trust and made us extra sensitive to certain experiences. Raw spots are huge triggers that set cycles in motion and without understanding these "raw spots," and being able to successfully work together about them, couples continue to be on shaky ground at best. When each individual can know more about their raw spots, and help their partners understand these raw spots, they can better manage these moments individually as well as together.

Stop the Cycle

As much as someone might bail water out of the boat, if the leak isn't stopped, the boat will ultimately sink. The same is true when trying to keep your relationship afloat. After identifying the negative cycle, understanding the raw spots that ignite them, in this module we learn and practice specific skills to stop the negative cycle. And it's important to state, these are things YOU can do more than things your partner "should" do. Of course these skills are the same for both people but it’s important to focus on self first. When both individuals in a couple can begin to modify their moves in the cycle, new possibilities open up and couples can stay on track with conversations and not be hijacked by the familiar cycle.

Healing Injuries

None of us are perfect and unfortunately, we all hurt our partners from time to time. However, some hurts rise to the level of what we call an “attachment injury;” a serious injury affecting the foundation of the relationship. These injuries are often misteps or betrayals of trusts in times of great need or vulnerability. These events are often recalled at the peak of escalation where one person says, "How many times do I have to apologize for that…you'll never let that go!" In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we understand how couples need to talk about these types of injuries so that they can truly be resolved. It's rarely a one-and-done conversation. However, there is a clear blueprint for these conversations that helps couples move toward profound healing. This conversation is often the one couples speak of as the most meaningful conversation of the weekend.

Hold Me Tight: Being Accessible, Responsive and Engaged

As previously stated, Hold Me Tight® is based on the science of Attachment Theory and there are three fundamental qualities that comprise secure attachment: Being Accessible, being Responsive and being Engaged. Rather than turning away or against, securely attached couples can turn toward each other in times of distress and need. More, securely attached couples are able to lean toward each other around their most tender fears and vulnerabilities. Securely attached couples have a solid sense that their person will be there when they call and they know they are on their partner's "radar." When these qualities become consistently present, the sense of safety and security grows and couples can more successfully face the challenges that this sometimes wonderful, sometimes challenging human life brings. And, importantly, it sets the stage for both people to evolve into their best selves together.