Understand Love and Attachment

 Hold Me Tight® is based on the science of Attachment Theory.  Attachment Theory holds that for human beings to function optimally, we must have safe, reliable relationships with significant others. Further, for most of us, the most significant other is our partner or spouse.  This sense of safety and security is an emotional need just like oxygen is a physical need.  Without this sense of emotional security, we do not do well emotionally or physically and our predictable reactive patterns emerge, causing negative cycles of protest and withdraw, which further deteriorate the connection. We will talk much more about negative cycles later in the day but in this module, we review the extensive scientific research validating Attachment Theory, which is fundamental to understanding EFT and on which Hold Me Tight® is based.

Identify your Negative Cycle

 One of the most profound contributions of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, and by extension, Hold Me Tight®, is identifying and understanding the repetitive negative cycles couples get stuck in.  When couples can identify their negative cycle and interrupt it before it escalates further, they begin to see that they are not the problem. It is the cycle they're stuck in that is the problem.  Further, working with the negative cycle includes understanding what is going on inside each of the partners that contribute to the continuation and escalation of the cycle.  As odd as this may sound, there is a very understandable human reason both people in the relationship begin to behave the way they do when the cycle has taken over.  They are both suffering threatening feelings around the most important thing of all:  the sense of safety and security human beings need in their primary relationship. 

Finding Your Raw Spot

 The "raw spot" is Dr. Johnson's phrase for those tender, often repeated experiences that can accelerate our reactivity leading couples into negative cycles.  Raw spots can come from experiences in family of origin, culture, previous relationships, abuse and betrayals, as well as from years of negative cycles that have eroded trust and made us extra sensitive to certain experiences.  Raw spots are huge triggers that set cycles in motion and without understanding these "raw spots," and being able to successfully work together about them, couples continue to be on shaky ground at best.  When each individual can know more about their raw spots, and help their partners understand these raw spots, they can better manage these moments individually as well as together.